that's me...it's me...just me

saya tahu saya bukanlah siapa-siapa. saya tahu bahkan saya juga tidak bisa apa-apa. saya tahu saya banyak sekali kekurangan, dan mungkin bahkan kalian membenci saya.

saya tahu say buruk dan tidak dapat diandalkan. saya juga bukan orang yang baik. saya tidak taat, saya selalu melakukan keburukan. maka saya pun sadar saya berhak dan pantas mendapat balasan dan ganjaran.

saya tahu saya pantas dikucilkan dan tidak mendapat kepercayaan. saya bahkan mungkin sangat pantas untuk disakiti dan tak diacuhkan. saya pantas untuk dibenci dan diperlakukan buruk.

ya...karena memang saya pantas..................

tetapi saya tahu saya begitu berharga untuk orang tua saya, untuk ibu dan ayah saya. walaupun saya telah banyak menyakiti mereka. mereka satu-satunya yang selalu hadir dan ada untuk mendukung saya, mencintai setiap kekurangan saya.

walaupun saya sampah di mata orang lain, namun saya tetap seorang putri untuk orang tua saya.... harta berharga bagi orang tua saya.

saya selalu mendapat perlakuan buruk dan bully dari orang lain sejak saya kecil hingga saya dewasa. kepercayaan dan harga diri saya hancur sejak belasan tahun yang lalu. tapi siapa yang peduli? tidak ada!!! karena kembali lagi, saya tidak berharga sama sekali di mata orang lain. setiap yang saya punya hanya cacat dan buruk di mata di orang lain. saya hampir takut bertemu orang dan berbicara dengan orang lain. saya ketakutan namun tidak ada yang tahu dan peduli. ketika orang lain membenci saya, saya menjadi jauh menbenci diri saya.

saya sakit..................tapi tidak ada yang tahu dan peduli.

saya buruk...... dan semua orang tahu itu.

saya terlalu banyak kekurangan dan keburukan di mata orang lain.

hay maybe this is still my randomness (again)..............

haaaaah.....let's see what happen again?

yeaaaah for sure, i came back again here just for to screamed my feeling that's very very very heavy.
yeah you know? why my heart always feel so heavy. not just today, but i think everyday.
you know? i think i can't take this anymore, i can't do it anymore. i think i haven't enough capability, but yeah some people will always say that i can. as you know that who is know about my self is just me, not someone or anyone.

i just can't say NO. espessialy to my mom. but she can really don't understand about myself. mom really don't know about my hurt that i felt. sometimes i just really dissapointed, maybe to myself or not. i don't know. sometimes i really want to scream really loud. sometimes i feel i want to dissapear. but i can't. i really can't, and it is just let some hole and pain in my heart. my heart really so pain. it is so hard. sometimes i just want to give up/ but one again. I can't.

that was my randomness

today I was sick. yes a little I guess, so the possibility of what I mentioned is something that is stupid and ridiculous. I do not know why, but I feel I'm happy and disappointed at the same time. yes ... at least I slightly know why, why? why should always be like this? why I stepped too far away and plunge to the bottom that is too steep. I know I should not like this, I know this is wrong. but how else, I've actually already far step, ah ... no I've been in and now have been vastly stepped up, and to come back again it's very difficult, you know? yes how did I appreciate every decision and his speech but remained ........ It was a little painful for me. Sometimes i feel to be the most sinful of this one thing, ah ... is not but a lot of things. why this makes me very difficult. why I became like this and could not accept it. if I'm too delusional? I tried not. but it turned yes. really! I reiterate once again I have stepped away and would be very difficult to step back to my starting point. ah maybe is a little absurd and ridiculous. maybe because I had a fever. but believe that my feelings are true. once again I feel a little disappointed. Forgive me.

I returned with my story, after being nearly as ever write like this. and of course with different topics and people. such a player, right? hahahahahahaha okeee me with all this absurdity, sorry but it turns out I like this and I believe it will always be like this. Sometimes really like ah ... probably too in love with, and very difficult to give up with the others. Okay. That's all.

thanks with all the randomness from me hahahahahaha. see u.